Relationships

Relationships don't just happen…

They require hard work — and sometimes we need help from a counsellor to do that work.
Relationships face us with some of the most demanding aspects of being human. To be in a relationship with someone is far more than the Hollywood myths about 'falling in love'.

Falling in love is the easy part…

because it is often really just 'falling in lust' — and that's easy to do because it feels good. Unfortunately, lust, which feels so good at the time, has a short life and doesn't build relationships — this can be evident as early as the next morning.

Choosing to love someone is what it's really about…

if your 'relationship' is going to be more than a one-night stand.

Choosing is the commitment part of the relationship that glues it together…
amidst the fluctuations of romantic feelings — when there's no money, or when you have a fight over whose family you spend Xmas with, or when you start to get older and gravity unkindly makes you less physically attractive.

Many relationships are over long before they break up…

so doing something about the problems a few months (or years) earlier can save the relationship, and so you can grow as people rather than shriveling up and dying in an atmosphere of bitter hatred — and if the relationship does break up there's a possibility you can at least retain a friendship out of what you had together, if you want to. Chances are, if you don't identify the problem this time round, you'll keep repeating the same destructive patterns in future relationships. Life's too short for that.

Relationship counselling…

uses me as the counsellor to act as a sounding board or a mirror to give you a different perspective on things that are going on between you and your partner. It is unlikely that you will be having problems that I haven't already seen in other couples.

When you talk with me there are three heads tapping into a large database of human experience.
When you talk with each other it is hard to draw on a wide perspective of human interaction because usually you are too close to the problems to be able to see what's going wrong.

It may just need you to make a small adjustment to how you interact in order to change the whole nature of your life together.

Ask yourself these questions about your relationship…

Is my partner my best friend?
What would I miss if my partner were not around any more?
What projects/activities are we working on, together, at present? (planning holiday, renovating house, breeding angora elephants, bush-walking club, next dinner party)
What is the five-year plan for us?
If I die, where does my partner fit in my will?
If our relationship continues as it is, would we still be happy in ten years?
Are we growing because we're together, or are we holding each other back?
Can I list five things my partner likes about me, without having to think about it?
Can I list five things I like about my partner, without having to think about it?
When was the last time I made my partner feel important?
How much of our relationship is just habit now?

Asking questions like this…

can uncover some early warning signs that indicate your need to do a bit of work on the relationship. Don't leave things until it is too late. If you don't know how to go about it, maybe you need to see a counsellor who has the skills to help you move forward into a more fulfilling life together.